the hard truth

I recently went on an amazing 3 week trip and since being back I have been in this funk. I can’t seem to get back to the grind. aside from going to work, I have been watching a lot of movies and sleeping a lot. I can’t seem to do any of the things on my plate and my response would be, “I will do it right after this movie,” or “Tomorrow, I will do it.” And tomorrow will come and I will say the same things.

No one is more frustrated than I am. But on the other hand, if I was that frustrated wouldn’t I get up and do it!? I know better than anyone that the catalyst to change is taking action and I couldn’t seem to take the action, at least not consistently. Maybe I thought I wouldn’t be coming back to the same reality, a reality I am not a fan of. Going on this trip helped me get closer to a goal I have for myself, yet it is like “eh.” Why do I feel like this? I guess I thought being on this trip would change my reality, news flash, no matter where in the world you are, your reality is still your reality. The problems you run away from will still be there when you return. The trip was a nice distraction but it was just that, a distraction. Not to say it didn’t have a purpose or was not meaningful, it was but I realize that I was running away.

There are a lot of things in my life that I am not happy with. I realize I decided to use the excuse that I was trying to reach a goal to distract me from it and go away for a while. I did have fun and when I tell you God was on my side every step of the way, I mean it. Some things happened on the trip and I had no idea how I was going to make it to the other side. Every time I thought, “Oh no,” or “How am going to get through this,” a miracle prevailed and I thought, “Thank You, God.” Miracles I tell you and it happened so many times, there is no other explanation. So this trip was supposed to happen because it felt like I was getting no resistance from the universe or I was just being looked out for.

Returning from a trip like that, with so many miracles happening, to a mundane gloomy reality just hasn’t been sitting right with me. I have been having a hard time being grateful and getting back to what I am supposed to do. By that, I mean hustling and working hard. I don’t know why. Something inside me feels like it died.

Here I am getting closer to a goal, and I feel like I have never been further away. What does this mean?

I think it means, I have a lot of work to do. The trip reminded me of everything I have yet to accomplish and how much I haven’t been facing myself. And that I have to stop running away from the hard work that I have been avoiding.

the hard truth. reminding myself to trust the process and not to avoid the work.

with love,

fatou