Fatou Mbacké "Memoir"

Preface

I wrote this memoir in High School and added to it in 2021 during college. When I rediscovered this in 2023, I wanted to publish it as a book. To me, age doesn’t dictate one’s ability to write a memoir. My philosophy is that age doesn’t determine the amount of life one has experienced. At the age of 23, I felt like I lived enough of life to deem myself qualified to publish a memoir.

But I decided against it. I have more writing and more living to do. But I wanted to publish what I wrote. This comes from a girl from Louga, Senegal, who always new she was different.

Deciding to publish this is an acknowledgment of myself, who I am, where I came from, and my journey thus far in life.

p.s. don’t get it twisted, these stories are merely the surface of everything I have experienced thus far in my life.

Binetou

The one who taught me the ABC in English when I was god knows how young. Thank you, I don’t know if I tell you that enough big cousin.

Serena

You could always tell when she entered a room. Everyone wanted to be her friend and her friends wanted more time with her. I remember her lunch order, Sicilian pizza, always. She was so adventurous, I think that’s why she was my best friend. Serena loved trying new things more than I did. That’s why she was my best friend and first American friend. Thank you for being my friend.

Jeanie

Thank you for creating a place where I truly felt seen and accepted. Being in your dance class in elementary school allowed me to express myself in ways I could not yet with words.

Ms. Andreasyan

Thank you for being my homeroom teacher, to becoming my motivator, and my yoga teacher. You were the one that helped me truly know my purpose and be able to ask myself the tough questions.

Sasha

Thank you for teaching me that Health is Wealth. The one who introduced me to flowers. The one who introduced me to L Train Vintage.

Mor

I don’t know who I would be right now if I didn’t have you in my life. I don’t know if I would have the grip I have on my empathy if not for you. Thank you for helping me stay strong.

For as long as I can remember, I have written a poem for everything. Poems allow me to express myself without going through every detail. Like why do you need every detail? I am writing the important parts, what you need to know. So don’t be annoyed if I don’t share all the details with you, don’t be upset.

A Story of My Body

SENEGAL

It’s there, you just can't see it.

Formed from all the things that make me what I am.

Growing up,

Never did I have to think about the color of

My skin.

I was black,

I knew that,

Sooo,

So what.

It didn't matter,

Since EVERYONE around me

Looked

Like

Me.

But I was still different.

Different because I collected bracelets.

Different because I enjoyed school.

Different because I liked watching WWE with the boys.

I was different because of

My beliefs.

NEW YORK

It’s there, you just can't see it.

Formed from all the things that make me what I am.

Growing up,

Never did I have to identify myself as

African black.

It never occurred to me

that

my blackness was a bad thing.

My blackness was worst

Then the blackness of others.

It never occurred to me that I was different.

Not because I spoke a different tongue.

Or because I was a tomboy.

Or because I wore beads on my wrist.

I was different because my skin was a lil darker than others.

My hair was a bit too curly.

From → To

It’s there, you just can't see it.

Formed from all the things that make me what I am.

Growing up,

Never did I stick to one thing long enough to feel it a part of me.

The Only thing

that stuck,

My Nicknames.

I am a girl that lives by nicknames.

From Fatou Ganar

To Mer Aida Seck

To The Girl With A Weird Laugh

To Falling Fatou

To F Squared

To Fa2

To Fafour

To Fatooty Fruity

To Five-Two.

She lived with a smile, a smile that could only be described as vibrant. She lived with a roar, a certain finesse that brightens the lives of everyone around her. Eyes as sharp as nails, smile as wide as the ocean, and a heart bigger than 100 moles of the universe. She couldn't be kept down because that meant not willing to learn all that she could. They say curiosity killed the cat but curiosity made her flourish through all the shadows of the world. So innocent like the rosette stage of a plant. She sees the world as one big garden of rainbows and sunshine.

lessons

I have come to believe that there are no mistakes in life, just lessons. Bad decisions don’t end in the past, they live in the present and leak into the future. Helping you determine what next moves to make. Life is full of lessons that we sometimes fail to recognize. I have chosen to recognize the ones that have presented themselves to be clear.

Ending

from

Passion to

Motivation to

Annoyance to

Irritation.

Losing

my fire

everyday.

Longing

for the

fulfillment of my

Purpose.

 Fatou Macke, 2021

Mariste Realization

One of the earliest memories, I have is drowning. Let me share a story about jealousy that taught me humility. Dakar, Senegal early 2000s, I have no recollection of how old I was when I almost died. My family is from Louga but during the summer, we visit our cousins in Hann Mariste. While on my visit there, we decided to go to the pool. It was my cousins, uncle, aunt, and I. This memory is so clear in my head but still so blurry. The place had two different pools; one for adults and one for kids. We kids were chilling in the kiddy pool when my cousin, Fatou, decided to go to the adult pool. Yes, her name is Fatou too, and the same age as me. She was taller than the rest of us, her feet touched the adult pool floor. Seeing her go over to the other pool, triggered something in me; jealousy. Immediately, I let my ego take over. I said to myself, “I can do anything she can do.” So, I got myself out of the kiddy pool and walked over to the adult pool. To this day, I don’t remember how I got in. Somehow I made it inside the pool. As soon as I got in, I immediately had trouble keeping my head above the water's surface. I didn’t know how to swim. I started fighting with the water to keep some air in my lungs. I started losing all hope in my ability to keep myself afloat. My uncle saw me in distress, jumps in the water, and rescues me. This was my first life lesson.

 Not Enoughs

I,

the middle

child of seven kids,

NEVER got enough.

Never enough and always fending for myself.

When I was a child, a baby,

with no sense of

what was enough,

my mom stopped too early.

Way too early. When I was about 9 months old, my mom became pregnant again.

I know,

like how dare she, how can she move on so fast

when I was not ready yet? I was not ready and she moved on to my sister.

My sister and I are literally the closest,

in terms of years apart, I mean,

or should I say a year and some months.

All my other siblings had all the time they needed to be breastfed, right?

A child is

SUPPOSED to

NORMALLY be

breastfed for 2 YEARS.

YES, 2 YEARS.

And my mom gave me less than that.

Formed from all the not enoughs,

I grew up,

raising myself,

fending for myself,

but my kindness

NEVER

lost its lifeline.

If you are coming from the

not enoughs,

just know one thing—

you will always be enough.

More than enough.

From all of our

experiences,

from our hardships to our wisdom,

our kindness shines through.

No matter how hard you might try to hide

the sword piercing through your heart,

no matter how many invisibility cloaks you wear,

no matter how much you are hurting,

the love inside always shines through.

Yellow

Kindness.

Love.

Power.

Warmth.

Happiness.

The feeling of

empowerment and beauty.

To me, the bridge

where my blackness and beauty

cross paths.

To me, the warmth of being sun-kissed.

Yellow,

to me,

is my identity statement

to the world.

Wearing yellow is like realizing my purpose,

believing, and knowing

what I am meant to do in life.

Seeing yellow is like seeing that A+ on a test

when I

thought,

no way in hell.

It brightens

every molecule

in my body.

A validation

of all

that

I am.

 21 YEARS

In the 21 years that I have been here, I have learned that the world responds to energy. Whatever energy you put out into the world is what you will receive back. This is something I learned from observation and as a student. Never did it occur to me that one day, I might be asking myself why it is so hard for me to consistently practice. It’s so hard to consistently be good. It is so hard to consistently get good grades. It is so hard to consistently be motivated. But yet the world runs on energy, what you give is what you receive. That means there is no rule-bending for your off days. So how do you live in a world that runs on energy? You need to be persistent. You need to be persistent in your dreams. You need to be persistent in your beliefs. You need to be persistent in fulfilling what you want in life. So how do you become persistent? How can you stay consistent? From what I have experienced, seen, and witnessed is that being consistent dwells on finding your purpose in life. No matter who you are, what your race is, or where you come from, every being has a purpose in life. You will become persistent when you have established that for yourself. When you have established your sense of purpose in life, you do everything to help you fulfill that purpose. It could be through cooking, through helping people buy their dream houses as a realtor, or anything else, as long as you find purpose in it. When you love what you do, persistence will follow. We will continue doing anything that makes us genuinely and truly happy. I have come to realize that being a genuine human being is so good. I don’t want to use the word “good” to describe it but it just is. Good means “ that which is morally right; righteousness.” “Righteousness.” I believe that when you choose morals vs else, the universe will be good to you. What several books have taught me is that; those who give will receive. So not only does the world respond to your energy but so does the universe.

Tomorrow is Today

Tomorrow is Today.

The world as we know it

We see

We don't think

We don't wait

We act

Because

Who knows?

Who knows if the world’s gonna end tomorrow?

Who knows if today is their last day to be alive?

Not alive as in

Breathing.

But alive as in

Living.

Not knowing when.

When your favorite show ends.

When you get into that college you like so much.

Life is not about waiting

Or

Guessing,

It's about acting.

Today is Tomorrow.